Your relationship with your partner may be changing, but your role as a parent is for life. When you separate, there are a lot of issues to sort out, but the most important is your relationship with your children. Your children need you to put them first.

"The welfare and best interests of the child must be the first and paramount consideration." Care of Children Act 2004

It's what the law says because it's what your children need.

Reaching agreement

The best decisions for your children are where:

You both co-operate with each other

You and your children (when they are old enough to tell you what they think) work together to sort out arrangements for their future

You reach agreement without fighting and arguing

You encourage your children to express their feelings and be involved in the plans - this will help them adapt to their new lives

You both stick to the arrangements, but are flexible and co-operate if they need to be changed for your children's sake

There are as few as possible changes to other parts of your children's lives

When we split up 7 years ago I just looked at Jamie, who was 2, and I promised him I'd still be his Dad. He's always been with me as much as he's with his mum. That's meant big changes for my work and where I live, but I look at other separated dads who hardly ever see their kids and I think, no way..." Mike

What is best for your children?

Your children need both of you, regardless of the issues in your relationship. They also need to keep connected with family and whānau (grandparents, uncles and aunts and cousins) and friends.

Maintaining these relationships is important for their:

Self esteem and mana

Emotional development

Ability to deal with difficult times

Ability to adjust to your separation

Family relationships and whanaungatanga

Children are not able to see the situation in an adult way. A child's perspective is mostly self-centred and this may sometimes seem hurtful and unfair, but you need to respect it.

"Aha koa kua mahue aku mātua ko au tono tā rāua tamāhine"

Although my parents have split up, I am still their daughter.

First things first - your children

What do we have to do first?

As soon as you stop living together you need a plan so that your children keep seeing both of you

Make this your first priority

Keep this separate from the other things which you will need to sort out later, like property

Agree on an initial plan, with your children if they are old enough, for where your children will live and how they will see both of you

A more long term plan can be worked out later

If your ex-partner wants a plan you don't like:
- It's probably better to agree to see your children on your ex partner's terms in the meantime, rather than not seeing them at all until you get final agreement
- Make sure your ex-partner knows you are not happy with the plan and that you want it changed

Remember, time not seeing one parent seems much longer for children, especially for little children under 6

Even a short time without contact can be hard for children

A week is a long time for a child.

Violence and emergency situations

What if there is violence or abuse towards me or my child, or if one parent has a drug or alcohol dependency?

Your child's safety and your own safety come first

You do not have to let any person have contact with your child if that puts you or your child at risk

How can supervised contact help?

Supervised contact can be arranged (and may be paid for) by the Family Court to enable safe contact between your children and their other parent.

It can also be used so you don't have to see your ex-partner at changeover times.

Speak to your lawyer or the Family Court for more information.

Family violence and abuse have a huge impact on children - don't put them at risk. Get help now.

Contact the Police dial 111 or Women's Refuge Crisis Line or Child, Youth and Family phone 0508 FAMILY, 0508 326 459

To find out about protection orders see a lawyer

What if I think my child's other parent is going to take our child overseas?

The Court can order that your child is not to be removed from New Zealand

Phone a lawyer urgently to discuss your options

If you don't know who to see, phone the Family Court urgently

"I wanted to ring Sarah every night, but she didn't say anything, she was only 5 and I felt like crying. I'm so pleased I didn't give up though, it was worth it. We still talk every day on the phone now, and I think I've got a better relationship with her than a lot of Dads who haven't split up." Derek

Understanding your feelings and some ideas for helping with them

What makes it all so hard?

After the separation:

You may be in a state of shock

It's completely natural to have very strong feelings, and to find it difficult to be reasonable at first

You might be feeling a mixture of -

Hatred
Regret
Foolishness
Fear for yourself
Fear for your children
Isolation
Loneliness
Blame
Guilt
Confusion
Anger
Worry about the future (money, housing)
Frustration
Hopelessness
Grief
Shame
Embarrassment
Relief
Jealousy
Resentment
Shock
Disappointment
Exhaustion (especially if you are now looking after your children on your own)
Sadness

What happens if I let my feelings take over?

Things will get worse because you're more likely to:

Be unreasonable and not think clearly about what's best for your children

Try to get your children to take sides

Punish your ex-partner

Get revenge

Remove your ex-partner from your life and from your children's lives

How can I be more reasonable?

Accept your emotions and your feelings towards your ex-partner

Stop blaming yourself and your ex-partner

Communicate with your ex-partner. If it's difficult get help

Take positive steps to help yourself cope

Ideas for coping ...

Take good care of your health, especially -
- Eat well and get some exercise
- Remember it's OK to cry
- Do something you enjoy, take up a hobby or an interest
- Try not to rely on drink or drugs - you will be able to deal better with what's going on for you and your children. Ring the Alcohol and Drug Helpline 0800 787 797 for help if you need it
- Get as much sleep as you can
- Stop and think about how you feel and what to do

Tell people what's happening, especially whānau and friends, tell them what they can do to help, make sure you keep in touch

Ask for help to look after your children when you need a break

Talk to other parents you know who have split up

Talk to a counsellor - contact the Family Court Co-ordinator to arrange this

Re-build your trust with your ex-partner in ways you can manage

Focus on the things which are better since you've separated

Organise support from friends and whānau

Work at developing friendships if you are new to the area

Let the children see you laugh

Keep a diary - record how you and your children feel so you can see how much stronger you feel as time goes on

If you don't feel like things have got any better for you after 6 months, see a counsellor for help

Be strong for your children. It helps if you focus on what you know will make your children happy.

Help from family, whānau and friends

What can they do?

They can give lots of practical support -

Offer to look after your children so you can have time to look after yourself and sort things out

Let you know how special your children are to the whole family and whānau

Help your children have some quiet, relaxing time away from conflict

Be a "listening ear" for you and your children

If necessary, your family and whānau can take on some ongoing responsibilities for your children.

Sometimes the best place for children is with others, either for a short time (if parents need a break to sort out their own personal issues) or long term

The Family Court can support family and whānau members taking on this role and becoming carers or kaitiaki by making guardianship and parenting orders. Talk to a lawyer or the Family Court on how this can be arranged

Communicating with each other and with your children

How can I communicate with my ex-partner about the arrangements for our children?

It helps if you -

Don't discuss arrangements where your children can hear you

Focus on supporting your children and don't talk to them about your relationship with your ex-partner

Set aside a good time and place for talking about the arrangements for your children, perhaps a telephone call after the children are asleep

Don't blame your ex-partner

Put yourself in your children's shoes and ask what's really best for them

Get someone to help you sort out arrangements who won't take sides - like a counsellor

The Family Court will arrange free counselling to help you sort out arrangements for your children.

Communication tips

Listen to your ex-partner without interrupting

Use words like - "I like it when ..." "I feel ..."

Don't use blaming words like - "You always ..." "You never ..."

Your children will benefit if you can work things out without fighting

"The kids are grown up now - we've been separated for years, but we've still always celebrated the kids' birthdays and weddings together. The kids have said it's been fantastic for them we've done it this way. We're even friends now, really, but there are things we could never discuss." Helen

How can I look after my children's feelings?

When parents split up, children often:

Feel confused and insecure because they don't understand what's happening

Blame themselves

Cover up their emotions

You might think your children are OK because you're too busy just coping to notice what's going on for them.

Remember:

This is a time of major change for them as well as for you

Children don't usually have the skills to understand when they need help

Each of your children has different needs

Talking with your children is important - keep communication as open as you can:

Find times for your children to be alone with you without distractions (car trips can be good)

Ask them if they have any questions about what's happening

Ask them how they feel

Listen to your children

Show them you are listening

Answer your children's questions

Answer your children's questions briefly and tell them honestly what's happening (even if they seem too young to understand)

Don't pass on 'adult' information or details of conflict between you and your ex-partner

"Often children want their parents to get back together. If you know this is not going to happen tell your children, then they can work through the changes instead of waiting and hoping that you'll get back together" Family Counsellor

Reassure your children

Tell your children many times:

It isn't their fault that you're splitting up

You still love them even though you have split up

Splitting up is very common

Be affectionate - give your children lots of hugs

Tell your children their feelings are OK

Let your children know you want to hear how they feel - but don't pressure them

Just listen - don't feel you have to fix their feelings. It's painful, but you can't

Tell your children it's normal to have the kinds of feelings they've told you about

If they say they're worried, try to find out what's on their mind and reassure them

Practical ideas to help your children deal with their feelings

Help your children notice when things are getting easier and there's less conflict as time goes on

Help your children keep up their usual routines, especially contact with family, whānau and friends

Make sure people like your children's teachers know what's going on at home

Plan something positive together to look forward to

What if I'm worried about how my children are coping?

If you're worried about how your children are reacting or you're struggling to deal with their emotions and behaviour, talk to their school guidance counsellor, a health professional or a counsellor. For organisations you can contact, see below.

How can I make sure our children have a say?

Work as a team with your children to make the best possible arrangements for their future.

Always ask for their views

Children older than 11 are especially likely to have views about the future

Don't pressure your children to make choices

Respect your children's right to say nothing

They may want to leave all the arrangements to you. Let them know this is OK

They might prefer to have their say through a counsellor or another family member

The decision-making process

If your children want to help decide, then:

Explain you can't promise to follow their suggestions

Make sure they have all the important information

Help them understand the options

Let them know they can ask you for guidance, then be honest and keep their best interests in mind

Take your children's views into account

If your children do tell you what they want:

Try to fit their wishes into the arrangements

If this can't be done make sure you explain why

Planning your children's living arrangements

What are the best arrangements for day-to-day care and contact?

These will be different for every family because of your different arrangements and circumstances.

When planning for the future:

Put your children's interests first

Ask your children what they think

Talk to each child alone about their separate needs

Remember that, generally, the more equal time your children can spend with each of you, the better

Remember, your children's sense of time is different from your own. A child under six finds a week a long time.

Plan changeovers carefully. If they tend to create conflict, ask friends to help by doing them at their house so you can avoid seeing your ex-partner. Or ask the Family Court Co-ordinator about supervised contact.

Work out what's practical and realistic for your family

Write down the arrangements you have agreed on and stick to them

Look at lots of options:

Children spend a week at a time with each parent, with a meal and a night stay at the other parent's home during the week (especially to break up the time for little children)

Children spend half their time with each parent with a midweek swap over at school

Arrangements can be managed by teenagers themselves as they get older

One parent has day-to-day care during the week, and the children have contact with the other parent every other weekend and for half the school holidays

Parents live close to each other, with the children moving between houses

Children stay in the family home and parents take it in turns to stay there with the children (perhaps as a temporary arrangement)

Regular contact with other members of the family and whānau is kept up

What other things do we all need to plan?

Special occasions, school holidays, birthdays, school, sports and other functions, major family and whānau get-togethers.

Remember how important these events are for your children

Listen to what your children want to do

Plan to make them successful for your children

Make sure you sort out well in advance what's going to happen and let everyone know, especially your children

These times can be very hard for everyone, especially in the first year after separation, but they usually get easier as time goes on

Plan regular discussions with your ex-partner about your children. Don't wait for something to go wrong when it will be harder to sort out.

"At Christmas I stayed in Auckland so Moana and Tamara could spend some of the day with their Dad like they wanted. My family in Wellington wanted us down there and they were furious, they just don't get it - I'm not giving in to my ex-partner, I'm looking after my girls." Kathy

How can I help make the arrangements work well for the children?

Getting on with your ex-partner

Do :

Stick to the arrangements for the sake of your children

Only make changes without your ex-partner's agreement in an emergency (and be understanding if your ex-partner has to do this, you may be in the same situation next week)

If you change arrangements with your ex-partner to suit yourself, make sure you tell your children yourself, don't leave it to your ex-partner

Always keep your ex-partner up to date with your contact details for emergencies
Co-operate and be fair

Be kind and supportive on issues around your children

"I need to be able to feel proud of my dad", Rangi, aged 12

Don't :

Don't keep fighting, especially in front of your children

Don't try to find out about ex-partner's life by using your children as spies

Don't ask your children to pass on messages to your ex-partner

Don't say mean things about your ex-partner in front of the children

"I don't like Dad talking about how he hates what Mum does - she's still my mother - I'm part of her" Caitlin, aged 11

Getting on with your children

Do :

Stick to the arrangements, otherwise your children will be disappointed

Let your children know what the plans are

Make your children your first priority when it's your turn to have them

Have fun with your children, leave your work until later

Look for free fun activities

Keep communication with your children open

Tell your children that you love them !

"Ko ngā tamariki te tirohanga atu mō ngā whakatupuranga"

The children represent our future generations

Don't :

Don't ignore your children - if you have to, ask them to wait till you can give them your full attention

Don't force your children to take sides

Don't ask your children to spy on your ex-partner by providing information

Don't ask your children to pass messages to your ex-partner

Don't feel bad if you can't afford to buy things your children ask for - your time and love is what and love is what they really want

Moving away

What if I am thinking about moving?

Talk about it with your ex-partner first

This could make the separation more difficult for your children, especially if it means:
- Being apart from their other parent
- A break in contact with family, whānau and friends
- A new school

What if my ex-partner has moved away?

Many parents live apart in ways that make weekly or even monthly contact difficult with their children. Don't let this stop you encouraging your children to have contact.

Keep in contact by phone

Look out for cheap calling specials and for cheap airfares

Use the internet and 'MSN Messenger' type chat services to stay in touch

Use the school holidays and plan contact well ahead

New partners

What can I expect from my children when I have a new partner?

Be patient:

New partners may make the separation harder for your children to cope with

Make time for your child to be with you without your new partner

It's best for your children if you delay living with anyone else until they've had time to get used to you splitting up

Listen to what your children say about your new partner without feeling you have to change their minds or agree with them

Understand your children's point of view

Children often feel they cannot accept your new partner without feeling disloyal to their other parent

Be realistic about what to expect from your children

Don't ask your children to call your new partner 'mum' or 'dad'

What if my new partner has their own children?

Be patient:

Step families can be very difficult for children to adjust to on top of your splitting up

Ask your children to tell you how they feel about the situation, listen to what they say and try to help

"Try and take into account the kids' views because the kids know what they want more than the parents do because they're them" Kirsty, aged 12

Recording the arrangements you've agreed on

What do we do if we've agreed on arrangements ourselves?

For most children the best solution is when you keep them involved and reach agreement yourselves.

You do not have to see a lawyer to record your agreement and you do not have to go to Court.Most people never need to go to Court.

Unwritten or verbal agreements

You can make an informal, verbal agreement between yourselves

Written agreements

Sometimes it's better to write the arrangements down and both sign them to show you agree. You don't need a lawyer to make this kind of agreement about your children. A written agreement can be made into a Court Order. This might be useful if conflict arises later on

What to do if you can't agree

How can we sort things out for the children if we can't agree ourselves?

Counselling

A counsellor is a neutral person who can help you both understand and deal with the things which have got in the way of you reaching agreement

You can talk to a counsellor on your own, together, or a mixture of both - this could really help sort out the issues about arrangements for your children

Contact the Family Court Co-ordinator at the Family Court to arrange some free counselling sessions

Applying for a Parenting Order from the Family Court

You can apply for a Parenting Order at any time, but if you haven't tried to reach an agreement through counselling the Court will usually require you to go to counselling first. If you are unable to agree after counselling the Court will request mediation.

Mediation

Mediation is another chance for you both to sort out the arrangements for your children. It's run by a Family Court Judge or professional mediator, and paid for by the Family Court

It may be your last chance to avoid going to Court - give it your best shot

Keep an open mind, focus on what's best for your children and be prepared to compromise

Who will be at mediation?

The mediator, your lawyers (who will take a back seat and not usually speak) and the lawyer for your children (children won't usually be there).

How is it run?

You will both have an opportunity to talk about how you see the issues

The mediator will try to help you each agreement

Remember, children usually want the arrangements to be fair and for there to be no fighting!

"I feel like a jigsaw puzzle that's been thrown up in the air and the pieces have come down all over the floor"

Sara, 10 year old girl whose parents have been arguing in court about arrangements for her day-to-day care

Why should I think twice about taking our disagreement to a full hearing in Court?

Be aware

Going to court will:

Take a long time and for your children it will seem even longer

Take up huge amounts of emotional energy

Probably be very expensive - legal costs can be many thousands of dollars. Even if you get legal aid it might only be a loan which you will have to repay

Mean you hand over your decision-making role to a judge

Ask yourself honestly:

are you keeping the conflict alive for your children's sake, or for your own sake (maybe you're trying to 'get even', not wanting to back down or wanting to prove you are right?)

If we go to Court what will happen?

You will not get the Judge to take "sides" - their job is to make the decision which they believe to be in your children's best interests.

You and your ex-partner will be represented by your lawyers

You will give evidence

Generally your children will not appear in Court; they will be represented by a Lawyer for the Child

Reports from a psychologist and other experts are sometimes given to the Court

How you and your ex-partner have behaved in the past to each other can only be considered if it's relevant to your children's interests

The Lawyer for the Child

The Court will appoint a separate lawyer to act for your children. The Lawyer for the Child:

Is a lawyer experienced in family law

Represents only your children's interests, not yours

Will try to help everyone to come to an agreement in the best interests of your children

May get reports to help the Judge get a full picture of what's going on for your children from:
- School
- Psychologists
- Cultural advisors
- Social workers

Why should I take Parenting Orders seriously?

If you break the terms of a Parenting Order (including one made yourselves by agreement) the Judge can:

Reduce the time you may spend with your children

Require you to go to counselling (you can also ask for counselling yourself at anytime)

Order you to pay a bond into the Court - this is an amount which you may lose if you break the order again

Order you to pay legal costs

Issue a warrant to enforce the order through the Police

Fine you

Send you to prison for up to three months

"E kore au e ngaro te kākano i ruia mai i Rangiatea."

"I shall never be lost, for I am a seed sown from Rangiatea."

Sorting things out for the children when you can't agree The Family Court process

At all of these stages you will be encouraged to reach agreement so that you don't end up in Court.

Counselling
Application to Court for Parenting Order
Counselling
Lawyer for the Child appointed
Mediation
Specialist and Cultural Report Writers appointed
Court hearing - Parenting Orders made
Counselling to help you make the Orders work
Orders enforced

Some Common Myths... and Realities

Myth / untruth	Reality / truth
All children will be damaged if their parents split up.	It is true that often children will have a short term reaction If parents behave well, the negative effects of separation for children can be kept to a minimum
It doesn't seem to have affected our children.	Children experience their own feelings when parents separate – They may need encouragement to talk about their feelings They may be avoiding or concealing their feelings to protect you, to avoid making things worse
A Judge will have to decide what happens to our children.	It is the parents' or guardians' responsibility to make arrangements for the children – most people sort out things without going to Court.
A hopeless partner is a useless parent.	What it takes to be a good parent is different from what it takes to be a good partner.
Our children are only safe with me.	Parents need all the help they can get bringing up children. You had to learn to parent. You may have to let the other parent learn to do that too.
Contact isn't worth the trouble.	Most children need a relationship with both parents. Most children want a relationship with each parent.
The parent who wants the greatest share of day-to-day care loves the children the most.	Love can't be measured in this way – making the most of the time you have is more important.
Anyone can get legal aid.	There are rules about who can get legal aid, whether it should continue, and how it is to be repaid.
If I don't have day-to-day care I won't have a say.	Both parents are guardians, which means both of you have a say on the important matters
Mothers are the best day-to-day caregivers.	Children need both parents – fathers and mothers are equally capable of looking after children (with only the exception of breast feeding).
I can make our children love me the most by pointing out all my ex-partner's faults to them.	Your future relationship with your children can be damaged if you run down your ex-partner in front of them.
The more my children love their other parent the less they'll love me.	Your children have plenty of love for both of you, and if you help them develop their relationship with their other parent it will actually help your own relationship with your children in the long term.
Judges always make orders for mothers to have day-to-day care.	Not true – Judges look beyond parents' genders in deciding on the best arrangements for children.
Both parents should do things exactly the same for the children in their different homes.	Children can put up with some differences – they understand the idea of two separate homes.
Fathers don't look after children properly.	Fathers and mothers bring different skills and styles to parenting, both of which are necessary for children.
Day-to-day care and contact arrangements for our children should be once and for all.	Children have different needs at different stages in their lives – Arrangements can be renegotiated at anytime Court ordered arrangements can be changed It is normal for children to need different parents more at different stages

Thanks to all the organisations, individuals, parents, children and young people who helped put the information on this webpage together.

Where to go for help

Helplines

Barnardos
(Greater Auckland area)
0800 4 PARENT (0800 472 7368)

Plunketline
For any concerns relating to your family or child - 0800 933 922

Women's Refuge Crisis Line
For local phone numbers look in the alphabetic listings or in the Personal Help Services part of the Blue Pages at the beginning of the phone book.

Chinese Lifeline
For Mandarin and Cantonese speaking adults and children
0800 888 880

Helplines for children

What's Up
(for up to 18 years)
0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)

Kidsline
(for up to 18 years)
0800 KIDSLINE (0800 543 754)

Youthline
(for 10 years and older)
0800 376 633

How to contact the Family Court

Listed under Justice Ministry - District Court in the Blue Pages of the phone book. Ask to speak to the Family Court Co-ordinator.

Counselling and support

Contacts for local Counsellors and support services can be obtained from the Family Court. Ask your local Family Court Co-ordinator.

National organisations which offer counselling and support

Relationship Services
0800 RELATE (0800 735 283)
www.relate.org.nz

Barnardos
(ask about child and family services available locally)
0800 222 345
www.barnardos.org.nz

Māori Women's Welfare League
Whānau Toko i te ora (parenting programme)
04 473 6451

National Directory of Family and Community Services
www.familyservices.govt.nz

More information from

The Family Court

Website: www.courts.govt.nz/family
Booklets for Children and Teenagers
Detailed brochures available in print or on the website

Citizens' Advice Bureaux and Community Law Centres

New Zealand Father and Child Society
www.fatherandchild.org.nz

Skylight
www.skylight.org.nz- 0800 299 100

Some helpful books

Helpful books for you:

Trish Allen
You're Still Mum and Dad
David Ling, 1997

Rhonda Pritchard
When Parents Part, How Kids Adapt
Penguin 1998

Jan Rodwell
Repartnered Families
Penguin 2000

And for your children:

Lois Tonkin
What about Me? - a Guide to Separation and Divorce for Children
Skylight 2003
(question and answer format answering typical questions children ask, for 5-12 year olds)

Jacqueline Wilson
The Suitcase Kid
Corgi Yearling 1993
(story about how 10 year old Andy deals with life after her parents separate and enter into new relationships)

Fred Rogers
Let's Talk About It: Divorce
GP Putnam's Sons 1996
(for pre-school and younger primary school aged children)

Karen Bryant-Mole
What's Happening: Splitting Up
Wayland 1992
(for older primary school aged children)

Janine Amos
Separations Divorce
Cherrytree Books 1997

Anne Fine
Step by Wicked Step
Puffin 1995
(story about five children who are all from separated families and each tell their story when they are thrown together during a storm)

Further information

Information Programme for Parents

Pamphlet:Parents' Guide to Caring for children after Separation- Putting Your Children First (PDF 917Kb)

Order copies of Family Court pamphlets.

Parents' Guide to Caring for Children after Separation

Putting Your Children First

Contents

Introduction

Putting your children first