Perpetrator currently using

If someone tells you they're using violence in their relationships, it's important they know there's support available to help them stop. Remember that it can be difficult for someone to tell you about their use of violence and it may be their first step to positive change.

Be aware of your own safety and limited knowledge of how to respond to this type of disclosure. You'll need to exercise your professional judgement about whether you can safely continue your interaction with them. This is likely to depend on the history, rapport and trust you already have with them.

Things to say

'You've told me that you've harmed someone. When did this happen?'
'Are you worried about children or anyone else in your family or whānau seeing or being aware of the violence?'
'How do you think your use of violence might be impacting on your kids? Is that something you have thought about? How might you want that to change?'
'Most often when people find a way to tell someone about their use of violence, it’s because a part of them wants it to stop, but they aren’t sure how to make things different.'
'I’m concerned about what you told me and I want to help, so let’s talk about the options from here.'
'It sounds as if you would like to get help so let's help you today.'
If you would like, we could call someone now and see how they could help you. Can we do that?'
Check that you have the right information and contact details for the person you are speaking to. Record relevant information about the meeting.

Do

remain calm. Be aware of your safety and the safety of others in your organisation at all times if someone tells you about their violence.
use your professional judgement when speaking with the person about the violence. Consult a knowledgable colleague and / or a specialist family violence agency if you need support to decide what to do, or the It's Not OK helpline 0800 456 450 www.areyouok.org.nz.(external link) Offer information to the person, such as pamphlets and phone numbers.
ask them what strategies they already have in place to prevent them from harming others, and ask them what they think is the best thing to do to ensure safety at this time.
inform the police if someone tells you they are going to harm someone else or themselves. Do not tell the person that this is your intention, but find an opportunity to alert a colleague and call the police on 111.
ask the person if they have tried to get support to address their violent behaviour in the past. Offer to help by calling a family violence specialist agency now.
consider whether the person has any physical or mental symptoms that should be treated by a doctor. Offer help, such as making the appointment for the person.

Don't

collude with the person by validating and supporting their excuses.
assume that they agree with your concerns.
forget to check in with a specialist agency or your colleagues.
assume that they have given you an accurate record of the family violence event, or the frequency and severity of the violence.

Next Steps

Find a specialist family violence service provider who matches the needs of the person you are helping.

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